Friday, March 6, 2009

A Curse Upon Bad Direction Writers


Putting together baby furniture should be a full time job. I've been having Jeff do most of it lately. He put together the crib and the swing and the bouncy chair and quite a few other gadgets we've gotten in preparation for our first child. I've just been cleaning and organizing things, which I know I'm good at.

Tonight, Jeff is out and very busy with work so I sat down with every intention of just watching Interview With the Vampire. We just got it on Netflix, I've never seen it but I've read the book. Well I started watching it and discovered that even though there are quite a few laughable moments because its just so corny- I still can't watch it alone. I just can't do any kind of creepy. However, to stray off topic just a bit, I will give myself some props because in the span of a week I have watched Rosemary's Baby and Underworld. That's like a scary/creepy movie record for me and now I've started a new one. Must be the pregnancy.

Back on track: so I had to turn the movie off because I just couldn't watch it. They were replaying the most recent America's Next Top Model, which actually started to bore me after the first 30 minutes of the 2 hour season premiere (I mean really, I only watch the show to see what the picture looks like at the end). So to fill some kind of a void and probably because I'm nesting just a little but, I decided to try my hand at putting together the Pack N Play we got from Jeff's parents. For those of you that haven't come to fully understand what this piece of equipment is, its the portable crib/playpen. The one we got is quite a piece of work with all the fancy bells and whistles.

Only problem: The directions are TERRIBLE. I'm actually considering writing to GRACO and berating them for their assumption that everyone in the world can just slap this piece of furniture together by looking at their crappy directions. I'm ticked!

For example: They have all of their directions numbered and then next to that they tell you what you're supposed to do.

Here are some examples:

1. Next to the number one there is just an illustration showing you how to unhook the crib from its case. Okay, easy enough.

2. They have an illustration on how to "stand" the crib up. Only problem is this illustration has both the top and bottom of the crib looking exactly the same. I'm smart though and I figured it out- the part of the crib that has wheels goes on the bottom. Ah ha (Insert note of sarcasm here).

3. They have yet another terrible illustration along with this little sidebar: DO NOT push center down yet. Then in 4. They have an illustration with the sound effect in a Batman-like bubble going "SNAP!" So I had to figure out that the crib doesn't enthusiastically "SNAP!" but rather clicks softly and if it doesn't click then you can be leaning on the crib to put the mattress pad down and fall into the crib as the sides give away. True story.

I was able to cruise through 5-17, no problem. But, then we reach 18.

This is the part where I'm supposed to create the bassinet. Its basically a large piece of mesh fabric that I'm supposed to hook to the outer area of the crib so the baby is up higher. Comes in handy with a newborn. The crib comes with about 6 different pipe things that I'm eventually supposed to hook up. However, all of the piping looks the same, and yet its not.

The directions for 18 are this: Vibrator strap and cord tunnel.

What? That's it? That's all you're giving me???This particular crib comes with its own little vibrating machine which is supposed to be very calming for babies. I hooked that up no problem, but then came the part where I'm trying to hook up these pipe things and attach this mesh hanging thing to the crib. I was absolutely dumbfounded and couldn't believe that's all they gave me. So I trial and errored it and got and and then had to stop because there is no way I can hook up the remaining pieces of equipment. I've still got to do the changing pad and the napper but looking at those directions, they get more and more vague.

So essentially I was able to make it to number 18 out of 70 and I have now given up.

I'm going to have Jeff finish it when he gets home. The above picture is the actual play pen I've been trying to put together. Go me.

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