Saturday, January 30, 2010

Conflicted

Lately I've been finding myself very frustrated with religion.
I am religious. Always have been. Love God. Believe in Him. Take great comfort in the fact that when all else fails I can talk to HIM and He will listen, without judgment.

Herein lies my dilemma. Since the nearly three years since Jeff and I got married and moved to Helena, we haven't been able to agree on a church or a time to attend.
Jeff has to work Saturday nights. Personally, I like to go to Church on Saturdays the best. We've been talking about trying to go to the 5:00 p.m. mass but its been two weeks since we last talked about this and we still haven't been able to go. I've thought about just taking Caderyn with me and going alone, but that really hasn't happened yet either. Sunday mornings are hard for us to get up and moving when Jeff works so late into the nights. Also- the only Sunday church times we've found conflict with Caderyn's nap time that he's had in place since birth. The boy goes down at 8 and sometimes wakes up at 11:45. Trust me, you don't want to wake this little boy up or he is cranky!

Another issue we have are the churches in Helena. We can't find a church that seems to fit us as a family. The church we're members of is...just...a little odd. I find a lot of the memebers are too relaxed with their children and lacking in discipline. I'm sorry, but you don't go to church looking like you've just rolled out of bed. Pajama pants are NOT acceptable. Also, if you're 7 years or older, you should understand a few things about church. One, you do not lay across the seats when everyone else is standing and kick your sisters in the back. 2. You don't sing some random song out loud when people are trying to pray. Jeff and I also find it a bit...creepy... that the only stained glass art they have in the church is a depiction of a fetus evolving from a DNA strand. SERIOUSLY. I get the concept, but still...
Then there's another church closer to where we live but even more relaxed than the first one. We didn't stay past communion at that one.
Then there's the Cathedral. Beautiful, follows the routine Jeff and I were raised on and there just so happens to be a lot of people we know that go there. But, its at an odd time and its just so big that the sense of commuity feels very aloof.

So, what do we do?  I'm just so frustrated. I know we should just buck up and go but its so hard to walk into a building that makes you uncomfortable.
At this moment, I'm sure God understands and knows that we carry our faith and celebrate it together as a family. But I just feel so out of place.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

God does understand. A lot of the times it's how you live your life, and you guys are some of the most caring, thoughtful, loving people I know. When the right church comes along, you'll know, but right now I think you guys are good just doing what you're doing and keep raising Caderyn with the beliefs we hold so dear.

I wish I had more advice to help you with!

Sara said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I haven't found a church I am comfortable going to alone since I was in Missoula. However, I feel like God knows I'm present and making an effort and when the time is right he will make me find a church. For now He knows we love Him and still respect Him, and celebrate Him in different ways. It is comforting knowing that I am not the only one that goes through this!!!

John, Janna, and Alana said...

Girl, you and I have been walking the same path. John and I left my home church the summer of 2008 b/c there were some things going on that we did not agree with. That's the church I was raised in, those members have helped me grow in faith over the years, but it was time to find something different. We have been searching for the last 1 1/2 years. We have probably been to 20 different churches and feeling alot of the same things you describe. It's hard with a child too b/c I didn't feel good about leaving Alana with strangers. We have been going to the same church the last three months and it's been good. Not ready to join or anything, but I just keep praying for peace in this decision. I'll pray for you guys too.