Yesterday was the first day since Jeff has been gone that I really just broke down and cried.
It wasn't pretty and there was mascara involved.
The morning started off just fine until I got a message that my day care was closed due to illness. Normally, I would have been able to leave Caderyn with Jeff. But not today- or any day for awhile.
So I made the calls to see if someone could help me out for a few hours in the morning or afternoon, but it was too short notice.
That's fine. Well, then I thought I could take Caderyn in to work with me for an hour just to get some stuff done. I loaded toys and treats and movies and Caderyn into the car and took him with me, pulled up and was hit from all angles with work problems all the while trying to keep track of a little boy who had just dropped a load in his drawers and kept escaping from my sight.
Needless to say, I was only at work for 30 minutes before I left because it was just too much. I loaded everything and Caderyn back into the car and burst into tears. I was SO frustrated with the overall situation. I was frustrated I couldn't be at work and get my job done. I was frustrated that not being at work might reflect poorly on my work ethic. I was frustrated at being alone. Frustrated that I couldn't just let Caderyn play and just overall I was so frickin' FRUSTRATED.
I sat in my parking spot at work just blubbering for maybe 5 minutes. Caderyn was singing in the background.
I managed to pull myself together a little and I called my dad. More waterworks.
He talked me through it.
So home we went. We watched "Cars" and played trucks and read books and wrestled. Then it was nap time and I found myself with just a glimpse of what being a stay at home might look like.
That was my glimpse.
When I finally collapsed on the couch to put my feet up Caderyn woke up. He was a bit crabby so I let him fuss a little until he woke up more and I dashed into the kitchen and quickly set out all of the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. When he was finally awake and in a better mood after some snuggles he and I set to making cookies. This was the first time we'd tried it and I think he loved it.
Actually, I really just think he thought he was cool because I brought in a special step ladder just the right height for him to help me.
He poured all of the ingredients in and turned on the mixer (with my help and supervision of course, gosh what kind of a mom do you think I am?). He giggled when the mixer went on really high and repeated all of the ingredients after me.
When the dough was made he snuck his little finger in and pulled out a chocolate chip. I gave him a hard time about that- something along the line of that would cost him five kisses and then sent him on his way with a little bowl of chocolate chips.
By the time our day was complete I was more exhausted after that one day than an entire day of getting ready and out the door to work, working, picking him up, going through the motions at home, working out, snuggles and bedtime- which is what we usually do.
I think I was in bed, asleep by 10:00 p.m.
Looking back- I find this "hard" day not too terribly hard. There are worse things that have happened. I'm thankful I have a job that is flexible with my schedule and understands what my family is going through right now. I'm thankful for the extra time I got to spend with my son and being able to make cookies with him. I am thankful he now says "ippies" for chocolate chips (every time he says that I think he sounds like a Audrey Hepburn from My Fair Lady- "aaaaaaaaaaaayuh").
And, sweet dear Lord, I am thankful for bedtimes.
I needed it yesterday. And, you know what. I woke up today to a bright new day ahead of me.
I miss Jeff.
But I have a great little boy. And dog.