Thursday, October 27, 2011

SPEECHLESS

I don't really know how to begin this entry.
This past week has been absolutely draining for me and I'm sure everyone else who has grieved over our news. Which by the way, you all are amazing. Your responses have been so touching and comforting to me while I was in my cloud of gray. Your prayers and thoughts alone got me out of bed and out the door each morning. I feel so blessed and such an intense amount of love for all of my friends and family.

Every time I talked to my doctor this week and described what was happening with my body, the news given to me was always the same, "You're having a miscarriage."
And I believed her and the signs my body was showing me.

But today. TODAY of all days I have never been such a firm believer in GOD.
We went to have an ultrasound because I am still bleeding (gross, sorry) a lot and I'm having some really intense pain. They thought my body was having trouble passing the embryo/baby/whatever you want to call it.
I grabbed some Kleenex because I knew, no matter what, that I was going to lose it.
The lady got the ultrasound going and we noticed something on the screen that was confusing.
There was a sac. With a little bean. AND A HEARTBEAT.
"You have a healthy baby!" the lady exclaimed.
And I absolutely lost it.
I was floored. After everything we've been through this week, after everything we've seen...God has given me hope.

So...I am still pregnant. The baby looks so amazing and healthy.
I am shocked. I can't stop crying.
This has pretty much been the standard all week for me (I'm crying right now).

BUT
There is the concern that I am having a lot of pain and bleeding a lot (gross, sorry).
And by a lot. I mean A LOT.
Gross.
So they are going to look at my ultrasound pictures and get back to me.
My right ovary looks really angry (a direct quote from the ultrasound gal).
Which could mean two things:
1. My body is just weird and I'm getting rid of another egg. So I'm basically having my monthly time...even though I'm pregnant.
OR
2. We are actually pregnant with twins but one of the pregnancies is ectopic. Long story short, this is dangerous. If this is in fact what is happening, then I will need to have surgery. We will know more today or tomorrow.

You guys, I am just shocked.
I can't believe what an up and down week this has been.
I'm a little ticked that my doctor didn't get me in sooner to confirm things.
I am scared still because I don't really know what the heck is going on with my body.
I am embarrassed that I wrote my emotions and shared what I was going through with people, and now I have to write the opposite.
But, I am a writer. That is really one of the only ways I know how to share what I am truly feeling. It gave me such a sense of calm and piece to write.

And now. I AM JUST SO DANG AMAZED.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

CHANGE

Driving around town this morning, I realized the leaves were falling.
Falling from the trees like tears.
It was amazing to me, watching these leaves just fall and fall and fall.
I actually had to pull over to the side of the road to watch (I'm doing some really weird things this week).
There was no wind.
It was just cold.
And for some reason the leaves were snapping off and dropping one right after the other without pause.


I thought about the trees having to let go of something that is beautiful, something that is a part of them.
They probably feel stripped, naked and sad to have lost something that was a part of them.
Probably like I'm feeling now.


But then I remembered that eventually the leaves grow back. Eventually the trees are beautiful again.
They need some time to heal. To hibernate. To grow.


Just like me.


I had a really good internal conversation last night.
I went over my emotions:
I am angry. So very angry that there is nothing I can do.
I am sad. So sad it fills to the very tips of my fingers and envelops me in a dense cloud of gray.
I am empty. At times I feel nothing at all.
I am sick. My body and heart ache.
I am emotional. Just ask Jeff. He has to deal with me crying at random at least three times a day.
I am confused. Why was this baby taken away from us when we had no trouble with our first one?
I am understanding. This was God's way of telling me something was wrong with this baby and it would have been too much for us to handle to bring such a sick little one into this world.
I am respectful. God has a plan for me. This baby was not in that plan. Another one will be.
I am hopeful. One day, when I die, I will meet this sweet baby and get the whole story. I will hear how he (because I had a feeling it was a boy) has been having eternal fun with the angels in heaven and has always been with me.
Watching me and loving me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

DISCONNECTION

In the past weeks, I have written probably a dozen posts and thought of multiple, creative ways I wanted to tell people the news.
We were pregnant.
And SO happy.
Jeff and I were both just SO over the moon.


We told a few people...we just couldn't stand to keep it to ourselves.

Well the tides have turned.
I'm having a miscarriage.
I am crushed.

My days are odd. I feel in my life but I also feel like an outsider.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
I feel angry, disappointed and intensely sad.
This morning I cried for a half hour in the shower.
I've cried probably five times at work today.
My emotions go from disconnected one minute to a full on melt-down the next.
I am in pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have one more doctors appointment tomorrow to confirm what I know is going on with my body.
My heart aches for the child that could have been.
I know there will be more.
I just wish I knew why this one was not chosen to walk in this world.
I know in time God will tell me.

For now I must say I have the best two support systems a gal could ask for.
So, if I am a bit quiet on here, Facebook or through the phone, bear with me.
I just don't really want to talk to anyone. It's nothing you have done, I just can't physically talk to you without losing it.
I'm frustrated that we told people and now we have to tell them the negative news.
I am just immensely sad. The sadness just fills me to the brim and spills out in tears that I hate.
This is not a normal mood for me and it scares me and frustrates me.

I need to focus on my son and my husband. Leaning on them a little to bring me out of the darkness.
I'll be back.
There will be another baby.

Monday, October 24, 2011

DEAR BERTHA

Dear Bertha:
Although sometimes I act like a snooty little princess, I really am glad you're my cousin.
Now, I know you're new to this family, so I'm gonna give you some tips on how to handle this family of ours.

Tip 1: Master the mournful "You don't love me anymore" look in order to capitalize on excess amounts of pets and snuggles. This look should also induce extreme amounts of guilt that will build and fester overtime until your human servants decide to finally take you for a walk.
WALK= ULTIMATE SUCCESS

Tip 2: Really nail down a signature move. Mine is the "Who me?"
This will always get you out of trouble.

Tip 3: Squirrels are evil. We must work together to conquer this dastardly foe.
They sit up in their trees thinking they're so high and mighty, flicking those tails that I just want to gnaw on.
Evil I tell you.

Tip 4: Uncle Taylor gives the best snuggles.
He is a good human.

Tip 5: Always, always sit and sleep like a lady.
Tip 6: Sometimes our humans do things we don't understand. Just go along with it and it's okay to be confused.

Tip 7: Although they are our enemies, those tiny man-children sometimes drop good snacks.
Never take your eyes off them.
Never

Tip 8: The humans bed is just a much yours as theirs. Make sure you spread yourself out to get the best sleep.
Tip 9: When tired of all the camera flashes capturing your obvious cuteness, just turn around and show them your butt. Oddly, humans think this is just as cute and will continue to snap pictures.



Tip 10: If you are having a really rough day, putting your ears down and looking more pitiful than usual will garner lots of snuggles and maybe they will even take you outside to throw the ball.

Tip 11: The Duchess of Cambridge ain't got nothing on us Corgis. Look at how regal we are.







Just use these tips and you should be set.
Welcome to the family.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

SCHOOL IS BAD NEWS

Just look at the exhausted zombie it turned me into last week.
Yuck.
Too much studying, not enough cupcake eating.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

THURSDAY THREADS











(Dahhhhling)


(Saved by the Bell?)


Some things worth noting:
1. I have no makeup on. This has become a common thing lately and needs to change.
2. My jeans are way baggier on me that they feel in real life!
3. I love goofing off...obviously.
4. I wear my hair up a lot.
5. My friend Lisa took the pictures.


Earrings: Francesca's Collections
Shirt: Nordstrom's Rack 
Jeans: My favorite pair! Banana Republic
Shoes: ShopKo (heck yes)
Scarf: Old Navy
Coat: H & M

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

OH LUCY




Hey Lucy
You're so fine
You're so fine
You blow my mind.
Hey Lucy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

Dudes! I'm going to Phoenix on Wednesday (tomorrow).
YEAH!
I'm excited to head down there with my bestie and her mom.
I'm excited to see my parents (VERYexcited).
But don't you worry.
I've got some posts coming your way.
And they are going to be goooooood!
The Great Pumpkin thinks so...

Monday, October 17, 2011

I SAW IT ON PINTEREST

I made this for dinner. It is the Tomato Tortellini Soup.
It's perfect for a chilly Fall day.
It was yummy.
Some substitutions/changes I made were:
1. I used fat free half and half
2. I used fat free milk
3. Instead of using the sundried tomatoes, I used fire roasted tomatoes.

It was delish.
I took some pictures of it, but none of them turned out as pretty as the pinterest picture.

TASTY

Last night it was chilly.
So chilly in fact, that I broke out my muck luck/leg warmers that I got at a Black Friday sale for $14.99.
These things seriously bring sexy back...but in all honestly I've had them out since September. Eeep!

But yes, it was chilly.
With the heat a crankin' and a pot of spaghetti cooked and nearly eaten, I had a hankering to bake.
So, while Jeff got Caderyn cleaned up, I quickly went into the kitchen to set out all of our baking materials. I've found that, when baking with a toddler, it's easier to have all the ingredients ready to go in bowls so you can just hand them on over and they can plunk them in to the mixer.
Caderyn and I baked pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
It was more Caderyn than me though.
I tell you, this little boy must have an old soul.
He climbs up on to his "baking ladder," a little step ladder that we set up for him to stand on so he's taller than the counter top, and puts his elbows on the counter.
"Hmmm. Let's see," he says importantly looking at all of the ingredients I've set out like there's something to ponder other than the sugar and the chocolate or the eggs.
"Oh Mommy!" he exclaims, "This looks tasty!"
Tasty! What a word for a toddler to use. Who taught him that?
I did.
I like using that word.
And now my son does too.
Now, everything is tasty.
So Caderyn mixes the tasty shortening with the tasty sugar until it is light and fluffy. Then Caderyn mixes the tasty pumpkin with the tasty vanilla and so on and so on until we have ourselves a tasty cookie batter.
He tries (every time) to sneak his finger into the batter for a treat. Sometimes he is successful while other times I catch him and shoo him out of the kitchen with a handful of chocolate chips.
He plods off to play intently with his trucks while I put the cookies in the oven to bake.

When the cookies are done, we sit on the couch together with a glass of milk and nibble on our treats.
"This is tasty!" is heard after every bite and every time it makes me laugh at how he says it.
Sometimes, tasty just isn't enough and he has to throw in an "Oh my! This is tasty!"

We had a very tasty night together. It was the perfect end to a Sunday evening. Our house was cozy and we were all together, snuggly as a family.


P.S. I've probably eaten about 10 of those pumpkin cookies today. They are gOOd.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

NEW

My friend Lisa has been helping me devise a new design for the ole' blog.
You guys! I'm so super duper happy with how it turned out!
I love it. The photo before was fun...but I didn't think it quite captured what I wrote about.
This blog isn't just about me...well it's mostly about me...but there's also a lot about family, fun and so much more.


So this new addition makes me super excited!

Monday, October 10, 2011

SINCE I'M BUSY

Here is another video of Caderyn and his friend Addie dancing.



Watch this a couple times and before you know it I will be back.

HANG IN THERE

All of the sudden I don't have time for my blog. GASP!
I have a huge test on Thursday, so I need to focus on that.
I'm also working on some blog changes.

SO. Be ready for some BIGAMAZINGFANTASTICAL Changes...after Thursday.

Friday, October 7, 2011

WHEN THERE'S POOP...

There is a prize.




This is the helicopter Caderyn got as a prize for going poop in the potty.
He was pretty proud of himself.




He hasn't really gone poop in there since.
*Sigh*




I've been a little absent this week. We're very busy working full-time jobs, making meals, cleaning, spending time with husband and son and just generally trying not to lose our minds.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

POSITIVE VIBES

Send some positive vibes my husband's way today.
He's taking the GMAT.
This is just the first step on some upcoming changes we are anticipating in our lives.
I'm very proud of him.


He's a great guy.
Sometimes, I know I expect a lot of things out of him that maybe aren't realistic of my odd mind.
But some awesome things about this guy:
He's funny.
He's awkward...
He always puts his family first.
He lets me boss him around (this is key).
He loves his family.
He is an extremely hard worker.
I love him.

P.S. If you like ME would you mind clicking HERE to vote.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I SAW IT ON PINTEREST

I like Pinterest, but I'm becoming frustrated with how I can pin and pin all I want, but that doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it.


So, I'm challenging myself a bit.


I made this tonight for dinner:

This is Buffalo Chicken Grilled Cheese AND IT IS SO GOOD!
Pretty easy too.

I followed the recipe pretty close, but the is what I did. You can get the full recipe from the source that I've linked it to if you want to follow it religiously.

Ingredients (for 2-3 people)
2-3 chicken breasts
one 12 oz jar of Frank's hot wing sauce: buffalo
1 large carrot, diced
1-2 stalks of celery, diced
Shredded cheddar cheese 3/4 cup
Butter

Directions:
1. I put the chicken in the crock pot when I came home for lunch and poured the whole bottle of buffalo sauce in. I set the heat on high and let it cook until 4:30 p.m. before turning it down to warm.
2. Shred the chicken and then add the diced celery and carrots.
3. Stir.
4. Butter two slices of bread on one side each and add a scoop of the chicken mix to one slice. Top with about 1/4 cup of cheese.
5. Assemble the rest of the sandwich and grill until golden brown. 2-3 minutes per side.

Monday, October 3, 2011

POST 600!

Three years, 600 posts later.
Hooray!



Lets DANCE

GOOD MORNING


Caderyn likes to drive his motorcycle around the house yelling "Vroom!"
I'm beginning to think I live at a racetrack.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

WHAT IS CADERYN GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN

Happy October everyone!
Last year I did a little game where each week I gave hints about what my son, Caderyn, was going to be for Halloween.
I'm going to do it again this year.
But, to recap, here is what he's been the last two years.
Spider 2009


Giraffe 2010


HINT #1: Caderyn's costume is an animal...but also isn't an animal.
Ooooh! Suspensful!

And now for your viewing pleasure, here is Lucy's costume.
She was just SO (sarcasm) excited to try it on for everyone.



I hate Halloween.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

CAMOUFLAGE


Nothing to see here. Just another decorative pillow.