Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Driving around town this morning, I realized the leaves were falling.
Falling from the trees like tears.
It was amazing to me, watching these leaves just fall and fall and fall.
I actually had to pull over to the side of the road to watch (I'm doing some really weird things this week).
There was no wind.
It was just cold.
And for some reason the leaves were snapping off and dropping one right after the other without pause.

I thought about the trees having to let go of something that is beautiful, something that is a part of them.
They probably feel stripped, naked and sad to have lost something that was a part of them.
Probably like I'm feeling now.

But then I remembered that eventually the leaves grow back. Eventually the trees are beautiful again.
They need some time to heal. To hibernate. To grow.

Just like me.

I had a really good internal conversation last night.
I went over my emotions:
I am angry. So very angry that there is nothing I can do.
I am sad. So sad it fills to the very tips of my fingers and envelops me in a dense cloud of gray.
I am empty. At times I feel nothing at all.
I am sick. My body and heart ache.
I am emotional. Just ask Jeff. He has to deal with me crying at random at least three times a day.
I am confused. Why was this baby taken away from us when we had no trouble with our first one?
I am understanding. This was God's way of telling me something was wrong with this baby and it would have been too much for us to handle to bring such a sick little one into this world.
I am respectful. God has a plan for me. This baby was not in that plan. Another one will be.
I am hopeful. One day, when I die, I will meet this sweet baby and get the whole story. I will hear how he (because I had a feeling it was a boy) has been having eternal fun with the angels in heaven and has always been with me.
Watching me and loving me.


Sara said...

I am sad for you and praying for your whole family. May God comfort you through these times.

Kelly Smith said...

you are stronger than I was.