In the past weeks, I have written probably a dozen posts and thought of multiple, creative ways I wanted to tell people the news.
We were pregnant.
And SO happy.
Jeff and I were both just SO over the moon.
We told a few people...we just couldn't stand to keep it to ourselves.
Well the tides have turned.
I'm having a miscarriage.
I am crushed.
My days are odd. I feel in my life but I also feel like an outsider.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
I feel angry, disappointed and intensely sad.
This morning I cried for a half hour in the shower.
I've cried probably five times at work today.
My emotions go from disconnected one minute to a full on melt-down the next.
I am in pain physically, mentally and emotionally.
I have one more doctors appointment tomorrow to confirm what I know is going on with my body.
My heart aches for the child that could have been.
I know there will be more.
I just wish I knew why this one was not chosen to walk in this world.
I know in time God will tell me.
For now I must say I have the best two support systems a gal could ask for.
So, if I am a bit quiet on here, Facebook or through the phone, bear with me.
I just don't really want to talk to anyone. It's nothing you have done, I just can't physically talk to you without losing it.
I'm frustrated that we told people and now we have to tell them the negative news.
I am just immensely sad. The sadness just fills me to the brim and spills out in tears that I hate.
This is not a normal mood for me and it scares me and frustrates me.
I need to focus on my son and my husband. Leaning on them a little to bring me out of the darkness.
I'll be back.
There will be another baby.