Tuesday, October 25, 2011

DISCONNECTION

In the past weeks, I have written probably a dozen posts and thought of multiple, creative ways I wanted to tell people the news.
We were pregnant.
And SO happy.
Jeff and I were both just SO over the moon.


We told a few people...we just couldn't stand to keep it to ourselves.

Well the tides have turned.
I'm having a miscarriage.
I am crushed.

My days are odd. I feel in my life but I also feel like an outsider.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
I feel angry, disappointed and intensely sad.
This morning I cried for a half hour in the shower.
I've cried probably five times at work today.
My emotions go from disconnected one minute to a full on melt-down the next.
I am in pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have one more doctors appointment tomorrow to confirm what I know is going on with my body.
My heart aches for the child that could have been.
I know there will be more.
I just wish I knew why this one was not chosen to walk in this world.
I know in time God will tell me.

For now I must say I have the best two support systems a gal could ask for.
So, if I am a bit quiet on here, Facebook or through the phone, bear with me.
I just don't really want to talk to anyone. It's nothing you have done, I just can't physically talk to you without losing it.
I'm frustrated that we told people and now we have to tell them the negative news.
I am just immensely sad. The sadness just fills me to the brim and spills out in tears that I hate.
This is not a normal mood for me and it scares me and frustrates me.

I need to focus on my son and my husband. Leaning on them a little to bring me out of the darkness.
I'll be back.
There will be another baby.

5 comments:

peachytiffers said...

Oh no, I am so sorry. I know in times like this there are just no words that can help. I'll be praying for your comfort. Hang in there, let yourself feel the emotions, and then enjoy some ice cream. Well, that last one you can choose whatever will make it temporarily better. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Stacie Aho said...

I'm so sorry Sarah. I've had several friends/family recently with miscarriages and they all have said they have felt the same way you are feeling. I'm sure when you are in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end, but it will. Keep doing what you're doing and Heavenly Father will bless you and help you to feel happy again. My prayers are with you and your family.

Joyful Momma said...

This is the worst. It is horrible. It is immensly sad. It is hard. It is a rough place to be and "disconnected" is an approprate title. I have nothing to say. There was nothing I even wanted to hear when I was going through it. Just remember, it is ok to be sad and angry. It is all part of the greif. I am praying for you

Allison Barry said...

Praying for you:)

Kelly Smith said...

I love you Sarah. I have been there and it took me a lot longer than I expected before I was even okay. For years, I did not feel like myself. I will pray for you, call me if you need anything.