I don't really know how to begin this entry.
This past week has been absolutely draining for me and I'm sure everyone else who has grieved over our news. Which by the way, you all are amazing. Your responses have been so touching and comforting to me while I was in my cloud of gray. Your prayers and thoughts alone got me out of bed and out the door each morning. I feel so blessed and such an intense amount of love for all of my friends and family.
Every time I talked to my doctor this week and described what was happening with my body, the news given to me was always the same, "You're having a miscarriage."
And I believed her and the signs my body was showing me.
But today. TODAY of all days I have never been such a firm believer in GOD.
We went to have an ultrasound because I am still bleeding (gross, sorry) a lot and I'm having some really intense pain. They thought my body was having trouble passing the embryo/baby/whatever you want to call it.
I grabbed some Kleenex because I knew, no matter what, that I was going to lose it.
The lady got the ultrasound going and we noticed something on the screen that was confusing.
There was a sac. With a little bean. AND A HEARTBEAT.
"You have a healthy baby!" the lady exclaimed.
And I absolutely lost it.
I was floored. After everything we've been through this week, after everything we've seen...God has given me hope.
So...I am still pregnant. The baby looks so amazing and healthy.
I am shocked. I can't stop crying.
This has pretty much been the standard all week for me (I'm crying right now).
There is the concern that I am having a lot of pain and bleeding a lot (gross, sorry).
And by a lot. I mean A LOT.
So they are going to look at my ultrasound pictures and get back to me.
My right ovary looks really angry (a direct quote from the ultrasound gal).
Which could mean two things:
1. My body is just weird and I'm getting rid of another egg. So I'm basically having my monthly time...even though I'm pregnant.
2. We are actually pregnant with twins but one of the pregnancies is ectopic. Long story short, this is dangerous. If this is in fact what is happening, then I will need to have surgery. We will know more today or tomorrow.
You guys, I am just shocked.
I can't believe what an up and down week this has been.
I'm a little ticked that my doctor didn't get me in sooner to confirm things.
I am scared still because I don't really know what the heck is going on with my body.
I am embarrassed that I wrote my emotions and shared what I was going through with people, and now I have to write the opposite.
But, I am a writer. That is really one of the only ways I know how to share what I am truly feeling. It gave me such a sense of calm and piece to write.
And now. I AM JUST SO DANG AMAZED.