Yesterday you scared Mommy and Daddy by opening your car door while we were driving home from dinner.
Both Mommy and Daddy hollered at you to shut that door and Daddy pulled the car over immediately.
You were so upset. Big tears rolled down your cheeks as Mommy got out of her seat to talk to you.
This was the first time I've had to explain to you how much you scared us and how we never want you to get hurt because we love you.
You were just devastated that we'd yelled at you, but Mommy and Daddy stood firm that we yelled because you scared us and opening the car door while we're moving was very dangerous. Mommy and Daddy both emphasized that we love you and would never want anything to happen to you.
After a few minutes you calmed down and were your happy self again.
Later, after you were asleep, Daddy and I talked a little bit about how sad we both were that we'd upset you. But, it always came back to how scared we both were that something could have happened to you.
Just as you are sensitive to being yelled at or told no, Mommy and Daddy are very sensitive to any thought or idea of you ever getting hurt.
We couldn't imagine a life without your goofy smile, your stinky morning breath or your endless energy from morning until night.
As parents, we want to guide you safely through this life and see you flourish into the most handsome, happy and successful man there ever was on the planet.
In that one moment where the car door flew open with you right next to the rushing road, our hearts caught in our throat.
I find that phrase interesting, "heart in your throat."
I find myself with my heart in my throat a lot these days.
On your birthdays.
On special moments that you and I share, like when you tell me "You're my special girl."
On funny moments, like yesterday when you pointed to yourself defiantly and stated, "I AM A MAN!."
On sad moments, like when you trip and bonk your head leaving a nice owie.
On sentimental moments, like when its just the three of us, snuggling and giggling on the couch together.
These days my heart always seems to be stuck in my throat. Beating through each moment, each change, each milestone.
Caught in my throat, beating furiously and making me borderline wanting to burst into tears of sadness, joy and excitement at this little boy we are raising, or making me want to laugh hysterically at the funny little boy you've become or the mother I never thought I would be.
That's what being a parent to you feels like most days little boy. One big mood swing of emotions that I can't firmly grasp as you grow up right before my eyes. Where one second I feel confident you're the safest, most happy boy in the world and in the blink of an eye you are endangered, a car door swinging open on a moving road and my perfect parenting world comes crashing down as I nearly lose my mind at the thought of you being hurt.
Or I watch your fascination as you discover new life in the baby birds we had living in a nest in our yard. Your questions were so well-thought and interesting as you looked at the babies and watched their mommy and daddy bring them food. This fascination turns to anger and sorrow as a bunch of magpies destroyed the nest only days later, leaving a mess of feathers all over our yard. It was hard to explain to you what happened to the babies that weren't peeping in their nest just a day ago. I watched your face scrunch up, trying to understand what Mommy was telling you. I watched the sadness creep into your eyes. It tugged so hard on my heart.
We are a matter of days, maybe even hours away from meeting the newest member of our family. After yesterdays episode, the thought of providing safety and security for two busy little boys made me a little dizzy. How will I be able to keep them safe? How will I be able to keep them happy? How will I make them turn out to be decent human beings?
Oh Caderyn! I want to give you and your brother the world. I want nothing more than for you to have the best of lives full of happiness, love and laughter. I want you both to appreciate all you have in your lives.
My heart catches in my throat just thinking about the two of you, brothers, my children, my sons.
Let our sad and scary moments be few, but educational and a time of growth. Let our joyful and silly moments be countless and looked back upon in fondness.
Look out for your brother Caderyn as your father and I always promise to look out for the both of you. Be his mentor, his idol and his comfort.
When he is afraid, shelter him. When he is sad, console him. When he is searching, guide him.
And quit opening the dang door!