This whole maternity leave I feel like I have been going non-stop and haven't really had a second to just sit and relax.
But then again, I don't really want to relax.
When would I have the PAID freedom to just up and travel to see my grandparents on a Wednesday?
When do I have an excuse to just go outside after lunch and take my kids for a two hour walk downtown on a Monday?
Has there ever been a time when I've gotten to see so many friends and family?
For the past five years I have worked like a dog in the summers and have missed birthdays, family reunions and general friend and family shenanigans.
When we found out we were pregnant with my little Giblet (his new nickname this week), the thought of being on maternity leave during the summer absolutely thrilled and terrified me at the same time.
It thrilled me because I'd get to do all of the above stuff that I'd missed out on, but it also terrified me. Of course I had the usual concerns about preparing work for my absence during our busy season, but I also a little worried that I'd forgotten what it was like to have fun in the summers.
Well, summer has come and is nearly gone and I can say I definitely have NOT forgotten how to have a good time.
I've reunited with so many friend and family whom I haven't been able to see in the last 3-5 years that I feel so full of love and just all together enriched and enlightened in how truly blessed I am.
But now comes the hard part.
My maternity leave and the summer are quickly coming to a close.
Next weekend, Jeff will head back to Missoula for school and ROTC, leaving me alone in my first week as a single parent.
Then, that following Tuesday, I go back to work.
That's what I keep telling myself.
I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever truly be ready.
I love waking up and cuddling my boys in the morning.
I love having a semi-clean house and dinner ready at 5:30 p.m. when Jeff gets home.
I love not having a strict schedule and being able to just kind of wing it.
But, reality beckons.
Caderyn needs to be around kids his own age and get back on a schedule.
Gib, well he just needs to keep growing, but the thought of not being there for every feeding is just torture to my mind right now. I love holding him and feeding him and listening to his coos.
With Caderyn, I was ready to go back to work.
But now, with both of the boys, I'm struggling.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that they will be fine and that this time when we are separated will be good for them.
And me, well I know I have to work to support our family and I work at an institution that is very supportive and flexible with my current family situation (Jeff being gone during the week for school and military).
I also know that while my boys are in daycare they will socialize, learn, and continue to grow in my 7.5 hour absence each day.
And I will be doing the same.
But still remembering to breathe.
Keep Calm and Carry On.