Thursday, September 13, 2012

HAVING A MOMENT

This morning, I looked in the mirror and saw a tired, haggard looking gal staring back at me.
She blinked, her eyes wide in amazement and realization at the recognition of herself in such a different form.
Her eyes were rimmed red from exhaustion and emotion and circled in black from the mascara she forgot to wash off the night before.  
Her hair was a big tangled lump--more so than usual.
Her skin was pale and pulled tight with worry and angst.

I reached my hands up to this face, and my reflection did the same.
In unison we tried to rub some life and energy back into the pallid character staring back. My reflection and I, we so desperately didn't want to be that same person in the mirror this morning. 

Some days, our situation is not easy.
Some days, I just want to stay in bed and not be a parent.
Some days, I have panic attacks.
I stress about our financial situation. 
I worry about my parenting. 
I am anxious about the future. 
I wish things weren't the way they were.  
Some days, life becomes unfair and you selfishly think the world is out to get you.

But I am human.
Days can be a little darker than others.
Yesterday and today have been one of those days.
Some days life hits you full force.
You freak out because you are the person supporting your family right now. What if something happened to you?
You want to scream because you are the only parental figure your kids experience throughout the week. What if you ruin them?
You are impatient for your husband to be through with school so he can be home and you have some relief.
You are terrified of the future. What if all we are doing now is for nothing?
You are scared for a very special person in your life who found out yesterday they have cancer. How can this life be so unfair?

The world is full of darkness that can invade our minds. It permeates and feeds on those most vulnerable.
I am a little vulnerable right now, but I recognize this and am resolved to send this thundercloud packin'.

Sometimes, being able to write is the only way I feel comfortable expressing my feelings.

Darkness be damned.
I'm not a gloomy person.
I don't dwell on the negative.
This will not last.

The darkness will pass.
My sunshine will return and days will go on just like they have before.
I have to remind myself, I'm only human.
It is okay to be frustrated, feel a little sad and to be doubtful or anxious.
I'm so used being happy and positive that I feel a little violated when my conflicts crash together.
Through these different emotions and events in my life, I come to discover myself. 

And I'm pretty tough.  
Just like some other people I know. 

So this darkness will not last. Not if I can help it.

And see, I feel better already.  

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