Wednesday, August 7, 2013

SUMMERTIME SADNESS

Let me just take a moment to tell you that I am a positive person. I try, every day, to be as positive as possible no matter the situation. My parents brought me up that way, and for that, I am thankful.
No matter the doom and gloom, it is always important to be thankful for what you have and to remember that tomorrow is always another day. Thanks parental units.

But, just for this moment, I am going to grumble. So, bear with me here.

This summer has flat out stunk.
Seriously. I hate this summer.
But Sarah! Summer is the best time! you say.
Well, yes, summer is fun. My parents are here, I get to travel some, the weather is wonderful, and there is usually something going on all the time.
But for my family, this summer has been a struggle. 

We started in May with Gabriel's neurologist appointment. That appointment and his potential diagnosis of Autism Broad Spectrum disorder was just a real bummer of a way to start the summer. To put a positive spin on this situation, Gabriel has come very far and is still progressing. It just wasn't how we wanted to start our summer.  

Then in June, my Grandma got news that her lung cancer was no longer responding to chemotherapy or radiation. Since then, she has steadily declined and, I believe, will soon be leaving her life here on this earth for a much better, pain free, eternal life. But still...it just sucks. It really does. I adore my Grandma. She is the strongest and most generous woman I know. She can pretty much fix or mend ANYTHING. To see this gradual decline in her and to basically see that she can no longer do any of the things she loves to do has been tremendously hard on my emotions and my heart.

July arrived and Jeff left us for the whole month. That wasn't too bad since my parents were here, so July was actually okay.

But now August. Monday and Tuesday of this week we traveled to Billings, MT so Caderyn could meet with a neurologist. Yes, we had to take our other child to a neurologist. Yesterday, Caderyn was diagnosed with mild Tourette's Syndrome. We kind of knew this was coming, since he turned two he has had a vocal tic and over the last two years it has started to turn into an ocular tic where he does some eye rolling. I'm glad we got him in for a diagnosis. I am glad we are able to start him on medication that will hopefully help control the tics. This is not the generally assumed form of Tourette's where he will scream, or cuss, or flail arms/legs at random. This is a Tourette's that is mostly vocal and ocular. He makes noises with his throat and mouth--think throat clearing and lip smacking-- and rolls his eyes. It is worse when he is stressed or becomes aware that he is doing the tic.

I just feel very disheartened right now. It feels unfair for both of our children to have issues. I thought we were doing everything right. I try to be as healthy as possible during pregnancy and as a parent, we eat fairly clean and healthy meals (most days) and do as much as possible with our children to show them we love them and want them to be healthy and happy boys.
I feel many emotions right now and I am especially feeling a little spiteful. How is it a mother can smoke or do drugs her entire pregnancy and birth a perfectly healthy child?
Children are supposed to be children. They are not supposed to struggle like I feel mine are struggling. Children's biggest worries should be what toy to play with next, whose birthday party they are going to on Saturday, or how they can get out of eating their broccoli. I feel an overwhelming sense of unfairness that my children have to struggle with obstacles that they have no control over.
Sometimes I feel like life, in general, is just really piling a lot on my shoulders. Someone must really think I am the right person for this job, but man, there are sometimes when I feel like I just want to scream or crawl back into bed and bury myself under the covers.

And yes, I realize that there are people and children so much more worse off in the world. My eyes have been opened to that, especially this summer, as we have met and read about people around the world who are going through similar experiences.

But, since this is my blog, and this is also a time to emote my feelings, I am allowed to share with everyone my selfish thought of "unfairness."

So there you have it, a gloomy post by me. And that's really all the gloom I have on me today. I needed to vent and I can easily do that by writing.
So now we move on. We are thankful for our lives and that we have been given this opportunity to share and explain our children and their life experiences. Our children are amazing, and, most importantly, they are still children.
It is my job to educate others about them, so people won't make fun of them or not include them. I want people to embrace my children's differences and know that they have no control over what life has handed them. I am going to raise them to be positive and happy little boys who embrace their differences as a gift.
Look at that smile...

2 comments:

Cloudy Day Gray said...

My prayers are with you friend.

The McGregor Clan said...

Sarah and Jeff, you are awesome parents and advocates for your boys. Know that I, too have felt and often feel the bitterness and anger at life's unfairness. I have decided its just apart of the human process of grief and acceptance of the trial that's been handed to us. Sucks all around. Love you both. Prayers from Tennessee.