**I wrote this in August after my last visit to see my Grandma. I was struggling with a lot of emotions after seeing how weak she was, how not like my Grandma she was. So as I usually do, I put my thoughts and feelings into writing. I found this today when I was trying to clean out some old drafts. I finally felt like posting it. My grandma passed away on Saturday, September 21st. I won't be writing any more this week, but wanted to share with you my feelings and my thoughts on this absolutely amazing woman** Here is her obituary.
My grandmother is nearing the end of life.
This is a first for me, to be honest.
Other people have lost grandparents, parents, pets, or even siblings around me, but I have always been there offering my condolences, my support. I have always considered myself very blessed, very lucky to have such health and longevity in my family.
To have grown up with both sets of grandparents, and experience the amazing memories and share such love is truly, truly a blessing.
So, like I said, this is a first for me.
But really, this isn't about me.
This is about my Grandma. My wonderful, sweet, strong, amazing Grandma.
My Grandma has cancer. In September, after probably a year of coughing, she was diagnosed.
And here we are.
My sadness brims to the surface occasionally, only to be pushed back down below.
My Grandma has always been strong. Always a woman who does everything for everyone. Have a stain in a shirt you can't get out? Call her for advice. Need baby blankets? She made me 20 when I had Gabriel. Doubting a career change? She will tell you straight up what she thinks.
So to see her at this stage in life, so not in control of what is happening has my family a little unsteady.
We are trying so hard to hold on to the memories we've had, while slowly letting her go.
It isn't fair.
It isn't fair that I want her to stay. It isn't fair that she has to go.
But I am coming to understand that her suffering needs to end, and thankfully, she is nearing that end as she draws closer to God each day.
I am thankful for her and my Grandpa's faith, as they are now using that for comfort.
My Grandma taught me to bake. She taught me to stop and watch the world go by and see all of the little wonders most people are too busy to notice. She taught me to make a boat out of an empty butter container and float it down curb gutters after a rainstorm. She taught me endurance and a true meaning of toughness when, during a not so great episode after chemotherapy, she still loaded herself into a car with my grandpa and aunt and came to one of Caderyn's soccer games in the freezing cold just so she could see him score a goal. She taught me to love nature and adore my family. She taught me that sitting around is pointless, you've got two legs and you live in Montana, get up and go! She taught me to have a lighter side of life and immense respect for my elders,aunts, uncles, and cousins. She taught me that its okay to keep your eyes on the ground, you might have luck and find a penny.
People aren't just lucky, it doesn't happen that way. People are lucky because of the people they have in their lives, especially their family. I feel so lucky to have been given such a wonderful Grandma. As hard as this time is, I also know it is time to let her go, for her suffering to end, and for her to fly free.