I consider myself to be an open person. I feel that by sharing my experiences, perhaps I can connect with others. Maybe someone needs a laugh, maybe they are looking for something different, or maybe they are looking for someone to relate to.
I have never been shy about sharing my struggles with weight loss. My struggles with body image.
I haven't posted about my weight or weight loss for awhile. I've been in a rut. Basically, 2013 was a rut in general, so we'll just chalk it up to that.
I've written on here before about how I used to starve myself, make myself throw up, or punish myself with exercise. I remember one night my mom followed me for three miles in her minivan while I ran as fast and as hard as I could into the darkness to try and balance out the fact that I'd eaten a cookie.This started in college and lasted about a year and a half. Thankfully, I owned up to my problems and got help.
I still struggle with body image and confidence, but every step I take, every breath I take is focused on staying healthy for myself (most importantly) and for my family.
I've come along way since I was that 19-year-old girl.
Every so often, something in my head echoes through from that time when I was being most hard on myself. Every so often I get this feeling, it feels like the willes, where the hair stands up on my arm and I shudder thinking about something I'd eaten that day. That dark part of me stretches out its nasty claws and tries to convince me, "Purge Sarah. You shouldn't have eaten that bowl of cereal." or "Really Sarah? You think eating that much pasta is going to help your stomach shrink."
Yeah, that dark part of me is a real bitch.
Over Christmas, I started to feel a little edgy as these thoughts kept popping up into my head more and more. It was driving me crazy. The rational side of me held firm, but that nasty dark side kept pounding on the walls trying to get through.
So, why am I bringing this up? Part of it is for me, for me to acknowledge that I've been struggling with this again, to reassure myself that I'm okay, and for me to read this and know I am in control. I have been back to making healthy, non-vacation choices and working out every day for an hour to an hour and a half (no more). I am allowing myself my sweet treat on Fridays and being more lenient with my eating schedule and menu on the weekends. During the week I track what I eat (Weight Watchers woop woop) and am conscious that what I am eating needs to be healthy.
I am committed to reaching my weight loss goal by May, (giving me a realistic goal of four months), and I am back on track going to Weight Watchers every week and really listening to what the leaders are telling me. I enjoy Weight Watchers because they are supportive and really listen to what you say. I plateaued for 3-months last year and nearly had a breakdown until the meeting leader took 20 minutes out of her busy schedule to sit down with me and go over my meal trackings. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and needed to increase my protein intake. I wouldn't have figured that out without her help.
Again, in writing this, I'm making myself own up to my struggles and my goals.
Being and staying healthy is one of the most important focuses in my life right now. I do understand that I will never be a size 0 and I don't want to be a size 0, that isn't healthy. I also understand that sometimes I'm easily swayed by the media with warped thoughts of perfectionism. Being the perfect mother. Being the perfect wife. Being the perfect weight and size. Having the perfect style. Making sure people think we have a perfect life.
Nobody is perfect, no matter what the stories or pictures tell you. We all have our struggles and its how we handle these speed bumps that reflects the truth of our spirit.
So for everyone out there that has something in their life where they feel a loss of control or are feeling insecure, take a step back and a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay.