Yesterday was one of those days for me.
I felt more elated and enlightened than I have in months.
Maybe it was because Jeff and I, though apart, have been communicating better than we have in years. I feel like I have a direction in my marriage, honesty, and a compatibility that has been missing for some time. Mostly I will credit this to Jeff, who has been very honest with me about his feelings and has helped me to explore my own. We haven't really been together as a marital unit these last few years, and now we will lose another year while he is away. But, through all of this processing and the flurry of emotions we've been going through in trying to grasp and prepare for his upcoming leave, I feel, this week, that I have reached a sense of calm and assurance I haven't felt in a long time. For once my direction is clear: be a wife, be a mother. In that order. And that is what I intend to do. I have always felt like my work has defined me, and, in trying to juggle working, marriage, and being a mother, work always seemed to take precedence over anything else in my life.
Having Jeff receive news of his overseas assignment shocked my mind in so many ways and I'm still trying to process everything that is happening. It has made me see that as much as I've preached putting family first, that I, myself, have been a bit of a hypocrite. I haven't put my family first, I've put my job and the idea of a salary first.
I am anxious to finish my last month of work on a good note and move on to this next chapter of my life where I can give myself wholly to my husband and my children. They deserve it.
At Caderyn's soccer practice yesterday I felt an overwhelming sense of peace flow over me, and I accepted it as a good sign of what is yet to come. The weather was beautiful. I closed my eyes, soaking in the smell of spring and felt the sunshine and warmth on my face, the slight breeze sifting through my hair, and for the first time in a long time, I felt happy, both inside and out.
It was a good moment for me. A clarifying moment.