Tuesday, May 20, 2014

ON SUNSHINE AND PEASANTS.

Minions!
I have returned for another glorious post.
Spring is here!
I have been spending my days lolling about upon my bed of grass. Soft beneath my shiny fur this green heaven doth release the weariness from my tired bones.
The sunlight beams down on me and it is like I have my own private utopia. I am comfy and I am warm.
The deer, the squirrels, the bunnies, and the birds trot on through my yard but I do not even bat an eyelash. I am too content in my garden of bliss.

I spend my mornings contemplating the meaning of life and reciting Shel Silverstein poems. That one about Where the Sidewalk Ends? So deep. I sit and sometimes think about a poem titled Where My Yard Ends and how it relates to me and my life.
As the sun moves, so I do. I follow my sun beams.

Then my human comes home to let me inside. She feeds me like a good human and after eating I climb upon my glorious throne of pillows and fall into a sleep as deep as Sleeping Beauty, except I am Sleeping Lucy.
I do not need a prince to come and wake me from my slumber. Only the sound of my human minion returning with the small man children.
Out we go back into my glorious yard where I demand the ball be thrown multiple times.
Only when I can run no more, my tongue dangling, my legs exhausted do I allow my human a rest.
Then we load up those tiny man children and go for a walk so I can claim my kingdom by peeing on every blade of grass within a two-mile radius. The walk is slow as my work is complicated and demands complete concentration.

Once home, I order up the finest flavors of doggie cuisine and then sit beneath the kitchen table, guarding the legs of the tiny man children from the food they may drop. If that food drops it could immediately spoil and if they eat it, they could get sick. So I rescue them from a most certain doom by striking quick as a cobra at the food snacks that fall from their plates.
I usually end up in trouble with my human, and am placed in a corner to sulk and contemplate the many ways I can make my human pay for such humiliation. How dare she not know I am doing her a favor?


After the tiny man children go to bed I sit upon my concrete perch outside and make sure the peasants who walk by with their humans are staying in line. Last night a miserable peasant went off her leash and crossed over into my threshold. Like a ninja I flew off those steps and let the minion and her human know they had crossed a line and were treading in some very dangerous water.

My human came out to rescue them by dragging me inside. They are lucky to have survived.
My human carried me inside like a child and placed me on her bed. The second my strong ladydog legs touched that glorious mattress, all worries melted away. I planted my rear promptly in front of my human and demanded she scratch until I was asleep.

Such a day! Such a life!

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