Thursday, January 22, 2015


Hath it really been over seven months since my human hast informed thee of moi?
How dare-th she?! I shall leave her multiple surprises in the yard and she shall have to think about her dismal treatment of my sacred self whilst she picks them up.
Disgusting humans. Always picking up our filth like it's a prize.
Where shall I begin? My life is such a mixture of wonderment.
My human plebs moved me from my Montana kingdom full of detestable deer, salacious squirrels, and not nearly enough walks to the land of fire.
I stayed inside for three straight months for my dainty puppy paws would singe on the concrete.
My human was very careful about my toes, I will give her that. She did buy me a pair of the most hideous booties to try and fight the heat. Those things were so last season.
I essentially made myself one with the floor and refused to move while these Wal Mart style boots were upon my feet. Psh. Come back with a pair of Prada boots for me next time human and THEN we'll talk. Such a common pleb that one.
I drank lots of water and tried to sleep away the months of unfathomable heat. My castle was air conditioned and fully stocked with couchbeds. So I did not suffer so.
Once, my human thought it would be a laugh to put me in the Great Lake of Pool.
I did not find it amusing.
Though I was significantly cooler.
But I was still humiliated that the humans discovered my rump floats just a little bit higher than my royal head.
Since moving down to the land of fire, I have noticed that I get walked more.
As it should be.
And adored more.
As it should be.
And left outside in a safe yard to glorify in the sunshine.
Or so the sunshine can glorify in me.
As it should be.
I have even taken on a part-time job with my female human's older human fatherman.
I am his official company keeper of the office. He must get so lonely in there clacking away all day and staring at that bright box. So I keep him company.
I nestle my fury lumps at his feet and then, when I get tired of that I move over to the corner for one of my 20 naps.
If I am not keeping the fatherman company, then I am standing guard over my new yard.
This yard does not suffer the same kind of attacks as my old kingdom.
This one must be protected from the occasional Satancat, Uglyduck, or Skinny-looking rat bird.
Those are my names for these creatures, but just for clarification I have instructed my human to communicate their English terms, so you of lower-level intelligence will understand my godly tongue.
(Cats, Ducks, and Pidgeons)
My new kingdom is under assault from these creatures almost daily and it is my canine-sworn duty to vanquish them down to the last feather or furball.
I am such a valiant fighter.
I truly am a hero in the land of fire.
Once I have fought my daily battles and managed the office of the fatherman, I am content to lay upon mine fluffy flower couch and ponder my new arrangements.
The tiny humans leave me alone more since they are always busy playing. My human pays more attention to her queen and is able to give her the attention, food, and adoration I deserve. I am respected and revered for my contributions to home and yard safety.
I shall go so far as to say I am complacent. 

1 comment:

Pam said...

I was reading this aloud in bed with Craig just now. I am laughing so hard I am crying. Craig's stomach hurts from laughing. So funny and creative. Your husband is bursting with pride right now I'm sure. Love it!